Story Relationship control through coercion: 'I was 16 and I thought it was normal
The details in this article can be painful.
The difference between a healthy and exploitative relationship is not always clear, especially when its long-term effects are not visible in the form of a wound but can be just as harmful.
When Sarah was about 16 years old, she began to get close to Zack, the boy in her school year.
After talking for a few weeks, he asked them to go out with him. At first, she was nervous because she was not used to going out alone, so she asked if she could bring her friends with her.
He remembers saying: 'I just want to be alone. This is a chance to be with us now or never. "
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Sarah really liked Zack at the time, and when he invited her to do different things, including just the two of them, she knew Zack felt the same way. That's why when she was afraid to go out alone at night, she would go to spend time with Zack.
A few months later, the two became a regular couple.
They were going to a house party and Sarah was trying on some clothes. Zack said, "Doesn't it show a little too much body?" Relying on Zack's opinion, Sarah chose the other pair.
As Sarah talked to the other boys, Zack began to say that she was trying to burn them. "Otherwise, what's the point of you talking to him?"
He was convinced that this was an innocent general conversation, but he thought that if he felt that way, he would be fine.
"Stop controlling so much!"
Zack then began experimenting with drugs and began using regular Class A drugs (heroin, cocaine, LSD or ecstasy, etc.). So Sarah told him that she was worried about him.
Zack said: "Stop controlling so much!"
Whenever they talked about it, Zack would accuse them of controlling it. One night he googled 'Am I the controlling person?'
The more time she spent with Sarah Zack, the farther she became from her other friends. "It's normal at the beginning of a new relationship," Zack said.
Zack always told her, "I didn't like your friends anyway."
Soon the results of A levels were released in which Zack got two A grades and one B grade, while Sara got one A and two B grades.
"You know it was expected," he said.
Sarah was admitted to her favorite university while Zack decided to retake the exam. He asked: "Don't go, why do you want to leave me here?" When he got very upset about Sara going to university, he said, "What is the purpose of Sara going to university?"
"It's a waste of money," Zack said. I will earn, I cannot be alone. '
Sarah, now 23, says the early years of their relationship were not bad. I mean, it wasn't as bad as it used to be. "
What is control through oppression?
Control through coercive control or coercion cannot be limited to a single incident in a relationship but is a set of words, attitudes and threats that disrespect, isolate and control an affected person, causing him or her to Freedom and its 'caste' is lost.
Affected people report that you feel emotionally exploited because you feel that your self-confidence and autonomy are being eroded and even the only normal thing you know is that you are being exploited.
The nature of coercive control is such that it becomes very difficult for you and in some cases impossible for you to recognize the exploitation that is happening to you.
So how do you know when the feeling of closeness and jealousy is changing into control and oppression? This is one of the questions that has been sought in the BBC TV documentary Is This Cursive Control.
In the new documentary, a group of young people discuss whether a fictional story (unrelated to the case of Sarah and Zack) is coercive. Throughout the show, general assumptions about emotional exploitation and fear of stigma have been dispelled.
Will you be able to control the force before it's too late?
"He said he could break my neck if he wanted to."
In order to be aware of all kinds of abuses, the British government has made 'relationship education' compulsory in schools, which came into effect in September 2020. The curriculum teaches students to identify financial, emotional and physical abuse during adolescence and adulthood.
Sarah says she wishes she had access to it before her relationship with Zack. For them, 'you are beautiful' soon turned into 'you are lucky to be with me because no one else likes you'.
Detailed approval was required for the selection of Zack's attire for getting out of bed and dressing.
"He really convinced me that if I didn't show him what I was wearing, he would be wrong."
And as soon as they saw it, their friends turned away from them. Because her boyfriend secretly sent her a message saying, "Sarah hates you and does evil behind your back."
Zack often said that he did not have money to eat and live, and according to Sarah he often sent her money. But then Sarah would be punished.
"You're only doing this because I feel bad about myself," he said.
At university, if Sarah wanted to go out for a night out with friends, Zack would tell her she could not go and would tell her over and over again that if she did, she would be raped and a stranger would drug her. It will give Zack a lot of trouble and he will spend the night awake.
"I started to feel like I was really restricted."
If she ever went out, which is very rare, she would receive messages and calls asking where she was and what she was doing.
"I started to feel like my life at university was really limited," says Sarah.
"I felt like I couldn't get involved or make friends. I'm sure my roommates would think (our relationship) was weird, because I always asked her permission, and thought it might be normal. He convinced me that this was normal. "
Before Sarah could realize it, she was terrified of all these negative attitudes.
The time she misses the most was Zack's visit to the university. Sarah paid Zack to come here so they could spend a day together. She was lying on the bed with Zack close to her chest when he told her, "I can break your neck right now if I want to."
Sarah says the pressure to do as she was told was rife in their close friendship.
"He used to talk a lot about how he looks so obscene and obscene porn," she says, because he says, "You don't do all this in the bedroom, so I have to get it from somewhere else." Is.'
Sarah feared for her life on more than one occasion.
"I was scared of it."
Zack gets angry and throws chairs, breaks things and threatens Sarah as if it's just a kiss.
"If I went to him, touched him and tried to calm him down, he would push me away," says Sarah. I didn't want to go and see him. I was scared of it. "
This is the third year of Sarah's university. When she felt her "freedom" moments were coming to an end, Sarah thought that there was still an option to leave Zack.
Sarah's housemate sat down and talked to her. She was really worried that her 'forced relationship' was ruining her life.
"I was really unhappy and I didn't realize it. There should be no relationship that makes you doubt yourself every day. I really wondered if I wanted to live like that for a lifetime. '
She says that unfortunately, like many other bad relationships, the relationship ended but not abused.
Domestic violence
Domestic violence can result in the death of people, usually women. Criminologist Dr. Jane Mancton Smith says that sometimes these cases are related to forced control. Forced control can affect any gender or sexuality.
Barrister Claire Sebourowska, who appeared in the documentary, told BBC Three that she was seeing more and more cases of forced control among young people aged 16 and over.
"When you're young, no one expects you to go into a relationship that hurts, but it can happen to anyone. Sometimes these small, sudden symptoms start to appear and can last for a long time.
"Until then, you have put everything into this relationship, which is bad. So it is important that young people know what coercion is, that they can quickly recognize the symptoms and be able to talk about them. "
According to Claire, in some cases, the perpetrator avoids physical violence because it leaves clear marks.
"They (the offenders) are fast enough and make sure they don't commit any physical crime, because if it's just forced control, it's very difficult to detect, even though it's very bad for the victim." There are psychological effects.
When Sarah went to break up with Zack, she was terrified, "I felt responsible for her life."
"He threatened to kill himself."
Sarah had no idea how Zack would react to the news of the breakup, so Sarah knew better than to tell him the news on the street because she wanted to do it in public with other people, so Zack Couldn't hurt them.
For months after the breakup, Zack continued to harass them.
"If I didn't answer him, he would have threatened to kill himself," she said.
When Sarah blocked his number, Zack rushed to the door. And once again at his mother's house.
"I felt that unless I moved somewhere and he knew my address, I would not be able to escape completely."
More than a year after their first relationship ended, Sarah is now reunited with people. She is in a happy relationship and says she is starting to feel good again.
(Names have been changed to preserve identities in this article)
